How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
"Messy Room"
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
– Shel Silverstein
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
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