"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.
Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!
And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!
- Max Scratchamnn
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?