I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
"Night Noises"
My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.
It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.
A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!
At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."
– Alan Balter
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.