Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.