When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."
The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."
"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."
"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."
She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."
"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
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