I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.