A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.
I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.
“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.
And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!
Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.
I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!
(Ilene Bauer)
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
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