It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.
Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.
I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(By Andrew Jefferson)
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.