There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.
And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.
But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.