There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.