My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
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