It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.
I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.
“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.
And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!
Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.
I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!
(Ilene Bauer)
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
"Did You Notice"
Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)