I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.
Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!
And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!
- Max Scratchamnn
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
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