When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
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