There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
"Did You Notice"
Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)