What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"
So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."
So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"
So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
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