She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup
Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north
Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon
Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book
Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg
(Mike Gentile)
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?