"Sweet Treat Dream"
If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.
We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.
Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.
Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.
But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!
– Gillian M. Ward
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!