An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Knock knock.
Come in.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
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