There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.
Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.
I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(Andrew Jefferson)
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.
I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.
I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.
I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.
I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.
Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.
(Unknown)
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
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