If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.