Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
"A Parent’s Prayer"
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,
Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!
– David Axton
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
(Amos Russel Wells)
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