An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.