Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.
And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.
But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist