Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.
Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!
And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!
- Max Scratchamnn
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.
I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.
I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.
I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.
I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.
Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.
(Unknown)
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.