Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
"Five Little Acorns"
Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”
The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.
– Debbie Hill
"The Silliest Teacher in School"
Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.
We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.
The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.
“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”
– Darren Sardelli
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
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