What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
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