Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
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