Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
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