A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
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