How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
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