What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
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