People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
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