What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
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