Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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