Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.