My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
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