Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
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