My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
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