“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
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