“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
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