“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
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