"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."