Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
You know what they say? Words.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
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