A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Knock knock.
Come in.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
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