A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
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