What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
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