What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!