The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.
You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer
You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.
But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.
I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.