How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
"If I Were In Charge Of The World"
If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.
If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.
If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.
If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.
– Judith Viorst
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.