There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.