My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."
The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."
"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."
"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."
She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."
"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”