A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!