Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!