How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne