It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
I think, therefore I’m single.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
"Messy Room"
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
– Shel Silverstein
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.