I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?