How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.

Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.

- Natasha Niemi

What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"

What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”

Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.

The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!

Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.

What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.

There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.

It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."

If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny

Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?

- Paul Curtis

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.

Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.

It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.

I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.

What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”

I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!

Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.

They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."

What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.

I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.

I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.

It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.

I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.

(Martin Dejnicki)

Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)

What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.

Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"

I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?

How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.