A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.