Funny One-Liners

Smart and funny one liners

Funny One-Liners

It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.

(Anonymous)
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?

Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?

Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?

- Jim Slaughter
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"

Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.

– Denise Rodgers
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.

(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."

Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"